I’m sure most of you saw the title for this song “Maybe someday” and are expecting some sort of deep thought philosophical liner note from yours truly. Well I’m sorry to disappoint. No this liner note is something new all-together, and it’s dedicated to Verion. Yes Verion the telecom company! (not misspelled see legal disclaimer below) Of course I’m not so arrogant as to think Verion reads my liner notes. But they’re going to read this one! You can all bet your last dollar, pound, euro, or yen that I’m going to make damn sure they do just that by tagging the crap out of this with Verion everything! I’ll also be sending them a link too of course. Yes Verion it's just me, you and 10 or 20 thousand of my closest fans. (((fun right?!))
Legal – My attorney is a paranoid freak, so I can’t use the actual trademarked name of the company(s) in this liner note. I’ll listen to him of course if for no other reason than to avoid cutting into my daughter’s inheritance with a 7 figure settlement payout… I can however tag the companies... and boy will I !!!
Okay Verion let's dance.., So late last week my phone was acting funny. (It’s a Verion phone in case that was unclear to any of you from the previous paragraph.) The phone kept cutting out and hanging up in the middle of calls, always at about the same time too. Basically I had a mad rush to the finish as I only had 2 minutes and 15 seconds to speak to anyone before "Verion" hung-up on them. So I did what anyone would do I called Verion customer support. (I use the word support loosely) I had to use a friend’s phone to do it obviously. So the customer support rep came on the line and her name was Karen. You’re all including Verion going to get to know Karen very well in this liner note. My guess is most of you will be as sorry as I was for the experience. lol I proceeded to explain to Karen what was happening. I explained my very simple issue to her in what I thought was plain English, no fancy old-English Shakespearian words, or college prep vocab test words. Nope nice and simple, and I figured she would have some technical answer for me in seconds. For instance perhaps there’s a code I needed to enter into the phone which installs a patch of some kind to correct this issue.
Nope!!! I didn’t get that. What I got (Verion) was blamed! Apparently Verion’s policy is “blame the customer first”. Most of you know by now I hope that I’m a creative guy. But I promise you even I couldn’t make up what happened next. The first thing Karen says is, “well sir maybe you’re accidentally hanging up the phone with your chin while you’re talking.” I paused for a moment to take that in as all of you should do as well. Honestly the only thing that popped into my head was the image of two Sesame Street Muppets hanging up on each other with their giant “Muppet chins”, all the while growing more and more frustrated with one another saying in their cartoony Muppet voices (oh, why does this keep happening)… So,,,, I replied to her the only way I could, with sarcasm in its purest form of course. I said (in my best Christopher Walken voice), “no that’s not possible I just had my chin reduced last month Karen”. Karen paused……….. I was pretty sure she was either stupid, or had a stroke, I wasn’t sure which, but I hoped to god it was a stroke because nobody on earth could possibly be so stupid as to reply back to obvious sarcasm/movie character impersonation with “Oh that’s wonderful sir, I’m happy you are well”. lol From there we continued on, as we’ve now thankfully ruled out my “Muppet chin” as the culprit Verion’s policy from this point seems to be to blame the phone or device. So Karen’s new theory was that sometimes on the phone I have if you don’t push the green call button hard enough it will cause a call to drop out. Okay…. so I at this point asked Karen to hold on for a second. I walked over the fridge, grabbed a beer, cracked it open, and plopped down on the couch for what I knew was going to be far too much time with Karen. lol I figured at this point that Karen was either reading an outline script, thought I was born yesterday, or was someone medical science might want to have a look at as a possible evolutionary missing link.
I’ll make a 10 page story very short here for you guys. After an hour and a half call with Karen throughout which I repeatedly had to confront her with irrefutable logic in an almost futile effort to get her to offer up a new theory or god forbid a straight answer, she finally looked at her computer and admited they’ve been having some problems with the towers in my area. Information which I strongly suspect she had the entire phone call. (Are you still reading Verion?) Maybe, just maybe, that was something we could have led with in the call thus saving me time, hassle, mental energy, the need to spend an hour and a half with Karen the missing link, and last but not least 2 beers. 2 wasted beers that I won’t get back! I CAN’T GET THOSE BEERS BACK VERION!!
So I asked Karen when she thinks they’ll have the towers fixed. Seems a simple question, I’m sure all of you would have asked the same thing. Karen replies by saying, “maybe Sunday”. Or so I thought. You see as I said I was borrowing a friend’s phone. Their phone is an ATT phone. So... (more fun!!) I am ALSO tagging the crap out of this liner note with ATT everything. Because I learned Jon Oliver is correct when he says if you need to make a call you’re better off using two cans and a piece of string than an ATT phone.
Anyway, back to Karen. So begrudgingly at this point I thanked Karen and proceeded to go on with my weekend, limed to 2 minute and 15 second phone calls of course which continually caused my friends and family to ask, “why do you keep hanging up on me?” I didn’t tell any them why specifically just for the sheer sport of it. If I’m honest it was kind of fun. lol
In the end it’s me, not Karen who looks the idiot thanks to ATT’s horrific network service. You see this is because I spent all day this past Sunday expecting that at any moment my phone would begin to work properly again. Verion was on the job, and all would be well I thought to myself. So that afternoon I was at the store where I ran into my friend whose phone I had borrowed a couple of days earlier to speak with my new favorite person Karen. I mentioned the Sunday situation, to which my friend replied, “I think she said maybe someday, not Sunday Jeff.” Thanks for that ATT!! Turns out, she didn't say Sunday, she said "someday", but hell if I could tell because ATT is like an AM radio with bad reception. Ultimately my choice options for phones at the moment are "bad reception ATT", or "sorry I didn't mean to hang up on you Verion." lol
SO Verion…. here we are.. Nearly a week later and my phone calls are still limited in length to that of a convict. In fact if TV shows are at all accurate even they get 10 minutes.
I’ve since spoken to someone at Verion farther up the evolutionary tree than Karen, and they assured me crews would be working on the towers. But that’s not the point of this liner story Verion. The point VERION is your reps need better training. Your first course of action in solving a customer’s problem should not be to accuse them of having a long “Muppet chin” that freakishly keeps hanging up the phone!! I also as a final course of action should not be told that “maybe someday” my phone will work properly. By that logic, “maybe someday” I’ll pay my bill,
So I hope Verion, ATT, and all of you enjoy this song. It’s a nice little jazzy, bluesy mood-piece I wrote for an indie-film project. For Verion however I have a second creative piece. It’s a new slogan, free of charge! Most people pay for access to my creative talents… But for you Verion it’s absolutely free! So here you go, here’s your new slogan for consideration…
**All Jeff Fiorentino and JFRocks song materials are produced for film and television licensing and are registered with ASCAP. We reserve ALL rights over this or any Jeff Fiorentino song. Unauthorized use without our written consent is prohibited.